I struggle with sleep. I’ve tried the CPAP machine, tape over my mouth, meditation and sequential breathing. Little to no progress.
But then I discovered CBD gummies. While I’ve yet to attain 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, I’ve seen improvement. Fewer minutes/hours pacing the house in desperation and when I do inevitably wake up during the night, it’s in a state of calm, not all out panic.
An additional benefit of these delicious gummies has been better dreaming. Specifically, more vivid dreaming which was non-existent previously. The dreams aren’t all trippy and fun as hoped, but they do feel longer in duration and they do seem to be probing into my unconscious mind. I appreciate that.
I had one of those dreams last night. While it ended with me waking up in a panic, I cherished the message it delivered.
The dream: the family and I were back at our current house (will explain in a bit) which we had allegedly abandoned in haste years earlier. Papers were strewn on tables, busted chairs littered the floor, weeds climbed up and around the windows. Random acquaintances inhabited different rooms. The kids were significantly younger then they are now. Neighborhood children rudely attempted to get me to buy window decals and tried to steal cash out of my wallet after I agreed to purchase their stupid stickers.
A lot to unpack there. Super stressful.
But the most stressful aspect was I couldn’t figure out why we had left in the first place and where we currently resided. The more I tried to recall what had transpired, the more I got confused. At one point, I stepped through the a sliding glass door that lead to the outside and on to the remnants of a patio. We never had a patio. And I felt a pang of “Damn, I wish I remembered what that patio looked like”. I then lifted up debris and pushed aside branches to reveal a collection of perennials that remained in tact underneath. But I had no memory of planting them. They were in odd numbers though which made me happy.
The frustration hit a crescendo when I spotted a collection of blueberry bushes. “Why can’t I remember these! This was my house but I have no memories of it so is it really my house? It sure feels like it.” And I knew our current residence couldn’t match what we once had.
I woke up.
I couldn’t pull my thoughts together.
Where did I currently live? Why had we left what was once our beautiful home?
It didn’t take too long before I centered myself. You still live in this same house; we never left. You still have your garden. While there is no patio, there is a deck surrounded by shrubs and perennials and grasses and it is fucking awesome.
Massive relief.
Why am I telling you all this? Because I know with certainty that I received this as a message or a warning.
I’ve struggled with turning 50 malaise the past few months.
I genuinely fear getting older. There’s an ever growing sadness with the kids getting older and soon moving out.
My work life is stale and I regret that I never had a “career”, just a “job”.
This dream: “Stop and smell the roses” … and the catmint and the bee balm and soon, yay, the hyacinth.
John, you’re still young and physically capable of tending to your garden. Get back to being the ONG. Cherish all you’ve built and curated and keep building and curating more. Go purchase perennials without a plan of where they’ll fit and figure it out later. Create new spreadsheets. Fill more containers.
LIVE IN THE MOMENT DUMMY.
With that in mind, it’s time to get this blog back up and running consistently. Not just an every other month post with a couple pics. Be me, be immature, be crude, curse, share the joys and the frustrations. This is who you are and this is what makes you happy.
An empty promise yet again? I hope not. Only time will tell. But this time feels different.
Stay tuned.
Yay! I’m excited to hear your unique and hysterical voice again.
Thanks as always Mia!!
I too have this dream where we come back to my house/not my house and I am so sad with wondering why we left in the first place. Occasionally I see the new house we go to and I’m like, why did we move? Then I wake up and am happy to know I still live where I live! I’m only 42 but have also had some mid-life panic the last few years so maybe it is that.
Glad the CBD is helping!
And hope to see you writing more here soon!
Hello again Misti! Glad to see I’m not the only one dreaming that way. I will say I had no issue with my 40’s but for some reason 50 has had a huge affect but I’m trying my best to fight it off.
This email cracked me up…closest I’ll get to “gardening” for a while since it’s cold and I just had a total knee replacement. Maybe the suggestion of gardening dreams has been subliminally implanted leading to a delightful snooze tonight!
Please include me on your blog list. Thanks!
Will do Rebecca! Thanks for stopping by.
Please keep writing for us.
Will do Julie! Promise.
I look forward to your garden blog coming back! Yay! Glad those gummies are helping.
Thanks so much Becky! Happy to hear from you again.
you are the youngest now that you will ever be…enjoy where you are at not where you will be.
Glad to get your blogs again!
Great advice Jan! now I just need to remember that when I fall into an age spiral again, ha.
Yay! I’ve missed reading your posts and could use the inspiration. Welcome back!
Thanks so much Michelle!
Hi, John, this might be inappropriate to share but I just recently started listening to an over 3 hour Tim Ferris podcast where he gets into some tall weeds (see, I did work a gardening vocabulary word into my comment) on insomnia issues with a renowned sleep scientist named Dr. Matthew Walker. Frankly, it starts out kind of scary because of Tim’s concerns about the relationship between chronic insomnia and its possible relationship with developing dementia…gulp, yes, scary. However, the range of information is fascinating. I still have an hour to go and am looking forward to finishing it up. Here is the link to it. https://youtu.be/Y-bfodmHsP8
My daughter has dealt the initial falling asleep type of insomnia for years so I’m always on the lookout for the magic bullet.
Michaele – great to hear from you again! I am a big fan of Tim’s podcast and have this on my list for future listening. Dementia may be my top fear so I am a bit afraid to learn too much here, ha.
After I read the post you linked to from Jan 3, I thought…”Well, lucky John. At least his brain gets the first round of tidal wave cleansing that happens before the REM cycle kicks in”. So, some of the info the sleep scientist goes into should give you some reassurance when it comes to the dementia issue.
I have been a loyal reader throughout…just gave myself permission not to let my compulsive response syndrome (my own teasing name for my personal affliction) boss me around.
I love that term, “tidal wave cleansing”!
Live in the moment: Good advice for sure. Your dream was fascinating. I’ll have to try the CBD gummies: I rarely sleep through the night anymore, although I’m not having as much trouble falling asleep lately, and I’m able to fall back asleep when I wake up. Dreams are sometimes fun, sometimes troubling, and always fascinating. Sleep well!
Beth – good to hear from you again! I just never attain deep sleep but maybe that’s just me. The gummies do help though.
Oh the struggle with aging! Fifty didn’t bother me, sixty was just another day, but 70??! It was scary, most of my life is in the past. Typically, I am a glass half full, so it was time to pull on the gloves and get back to my garden! I am grateful I am still able to be productive! The garden is therapy!
Dianne – Amen to garden as therapy! Love your attitude, I need more of it.
I’m so glad you’re back!Because of your blog and”Perennials Through the Seasons”,I’ve added Amsonia,Baptisia,Echinacea,Monarda,Nepeta,Sedum,and Veronica to my Zone 4 Central Iowa garden.Thank you!
Thanks so much Kathy!
Welcome back! Love your posts! I’m 52 and I never wanted to believe the BIG number 50! I didn’t feel or looked 50, but I was 50. You said it well…LIVE IN THE MOMENT DUMMY! We must all take your advice! Maybe if we did that we would sleep better too!
Happy planting!
Lisa from MD
Thanks Lisa! Here’s to not caring about age and caring about soil and plants; the important stuff. Ha.