So I’m watching “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” a few weeks back and I’m about to have a panic attack. I shit you not.

In case you’ve never seen this 2008 classic (wink), it is about a bunch of talking Chihuahuas and some sort of need to rescue one of the dogs in Mexico or something. And there is a lot of George Lopez talking. That’s all you need to know. It is utterly awful and annoying, especially if you’re like me and hate talking animals or talking babies.

More on that in a bit.

As you may already know, we adopted a puppy back in December. Mia is now about 5 months old and we are all in love. We have no clue what breed(s) she is and have heard everything from Dachshund to Terrier to Mountain Dog. Who knows? We’re considering running a DNA test to get a definitive answer but truth is we don’t care at this point.

When we got Mia, she weighed 3.5 lbs.

While she was this fragile little thing, we knew in time she would grow to be a nice and healthy and at least average sized dog. Right? I will always remember our Puppy Kindergarten trainer’s words when she first met Mia “She’s going to be a small one, huh?” What? How does she know this already? How small are we talking? We are not small dog people. What did we get ourselves into?

About a week or so after that, we had a friend over to the house to meet Mia for the first time. After the requisite “She is adorable” and “What a cute little thing”, the next words out of her mouth made me fall to my knees and weep, “She might be a “Chiweenie“. Come again? What exactly is that?

Oh OK, that isn’t terrifying or anything, a mix of a Chihuahua and a Dachshund. Could this be true? I spent every waking second checking out Mia’s ears to see if they were transforming.

I didn’t sign off on this. Are we going to carry her around in one of those large purses too? Is she going to wear a dress? Listen, I’m not a fan of cats and will never comprehend their “way”, but I may be more willing to care for a cat than this bizarro hybrid we acquired.

So when my daughter puts on “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” that was the last straw. I don’t know this world and don’t want to get to know it. I want my Labrador Retriever back. I get big dogs and I like big dogs.

Spoiler alert: As the weeks have rolled on, as have the visits to the vet, Mia continues to put on the pounds and as of yesterday, she is up to 18 lbs. That alone puts to bed the possibility of the horrid Chiweenie. She is small but tall, and has very long legs. I’m still rooting for an eventual 25 lbs but if we don’t get there, I’ll be OK with it. I’ve managed to adapt to the concept of the smaller dog, the lap dog if you will. Here’s our lap dog’s current routine:

• Wake up between 6:00 and 6:15
• Bathroom trip outside where she does “both” consistently
• Wolf down the breakfast kibble
• After the last kibble is downed, Mia races upstairs and jumps into our bed
• Once in our bed, she greets Jodi with 8-10 licks and then climbs under all of the blankets and goes back to sleep at the foot of our bed
• I get back in bed and fall back to sleep until 7:00
• Jodi gets up for work
• At 7:00 I make coffee and Mia trails Jodi wherever she goes and even partakes in some in some coconut oil
• At 7:15 I place Mia in Jack’s bed so she can wake him up
• At 7:25 I place Mia in Jamie’s bed so she can wake her up
• By 7:30 Mia has put a smile on all of our faces

This is our new normal. And it ain’t so bad.

And I should mention she is rather intelligent.

Time to sit back and enjoy the ride from here.